New Episode

Another four episodes today, one this morning before leaving, one in group therapy, one in life skills group, and finally the last which just hit now before bed. At least I am hoping that it will be the last one tonight.

The first episode had me sitting at home in Abbotsford watching the Chiefs play and listening to the crowd as they react to something which has yet to be aired. Nothing special happens, no big grand fantastical thing which might give meaning to these visions. (Total Time elapsed: 2? hours)

The second episode I was sitting at Toll Stadium waiting for the Warriors practice to start. In this version of events I was shooting the practice so I had my camera with me and I was making sure everything was looking okay on it and getting light readings. The warriors eventually came out and I proceeded to photograph the practice until I snapped back. (TTE: 90 min)

The third episode was a bit harder to deal with. I'm back at Wha Street sitting on the old loveseat we had. It is getting late but I wasn't expecting Geno back until 12:30 anyway. I start dinner around 12 and by the time Geno gets home its just finishing. We sit down to eat and watch a movie before we head to the Hub to download some youtube videos. I'm sitting there complaining about my poor connection when I snap back. (TTE: 5? hours)

The most recent episode had my at Abbotsford again sitting at the computer playing Guild Wars, besides me is Geno doing the same thing. Thats it, we just talk and laugh and have fun playing on the computers. We eat a dominos pizza at some point but then we resume playing. (TTE: 4 hours)

These episodes may not seem like much, but its not what occurs in the episode that traumatizes me. Its coming OUT of the episode. Returning to THIS life is like stepping off the plane at Dulles all over again, and I'm doing it multiple times a day. Its not making it any easier, if anything I am beginning to want these episodes to happen more, I want them to happen for longer periods. I would be happy to lose myself in one of these episodes and never return.

I'm scared because I know this is real, I know the '5-4-3-2-1' technique to reorient myself when coming out of an episode, but I don't care that this is real anymore. I rather live happy in a fake world than like this in the real one. I have no hope of recovering living in this environment that I am in. None at all. I'm convinced now that my mind is creating these episodes to escape. They have ALL taken place in New Zealand, I don't want to go there, but at the same time I am not safe living here.

I can't return to living in this filth, I just can't. My mind is going to continue to rebel against it. These events will continue and will probably increase in duration and occurrences if I stay.