I am Sorry. I am very very Sorry. In the next 5 years you will stop fighting who you are. You will be terrified of rejection from those around you. You will drop out of school to pursue a GED and early college, and then not go. You will seek treatment for G.I.D. and then break your leg leading to a Pulmonary Embolism the week after getting a referral for Hormones. You will work in a job you hate, lying to everyone around you so you don't need to face the truth yourself. You will isolate yourself from all your friends and family to the point where you have no one. You will live in such filth that it becomes common place and you take it for granted.
In 5-10 years your isolation will be complete, you will have no one except friends who are online. You will spend your weekdays in your room sleep rotating around the clock unchecked. Weekends you might come out to go watch football, or you might not. Doctors will be unwilling to treat your G.I.D. while you are on blood thinners, and they will be unwilling to take you off blood thinners while you isolate yourself in your room all the time. You will meet a boy from New Zealand while playing an MMORPG. The two of you will fall in love.
In 10-13 years you will move to New Zealand. For the first time ever you will feel free. You will get married. You will live true to yourself for 2 years. Happy, content with life. You will do everything you can to see that your new Husband succeed with his schooling. You will do everything you can to see that your new Husband succeeds with his career. You will seek out employment for him when he has given up on himself. He will land a job that YOU applied for, thinking that he was responsible and never thanking you.
In 13-16 years you will live in Hell. Your new husband who has been such a wonderful influence on your own life, encouraging you to try to be more for yourself, will give up on you. He will ask you to stop living as Sarah, and fearing that you will lose him if you say no, you agree. He will stop taking you places. He will stop calling you Sarah. He won't take you to the Gym. He won't take you to the pools. He won't teach you to drive. He won't help pay for your schooling. He will expect more and more from you until your reach the point that you can't keep track of everything he wants.
Then he will cheat on you. You will return to the United States thinking its the only thing left to do. You won't return to succeed, you return to exist. You don't think you can succeed anymore. You will hate it in Silver Spring. You will think that its too crowded. You will think everything takes too long. You will think that your childhood house should be torn down. You will suffer such feelings of sadness, of failure, of loneliness, of hopelessness, of regret, of hatred, that you will spend every waking second wishing to die. You will plan on ways to kill yourself, and you will again be hospitalized. When they discharge you, you will leave the hospital and feel worse than ever. You will spend two days trying to cope with things before going back to the hospital where they wont admit you because you are in the day program.
You will go to the day program, you will feel each day is getting worse and worse. The counselors won't know what to do, they wont be able to give you an answer on what you should do over the long weekend. You won't be able to make the promise that you won't do something to hurt yourself. They will hospitalize you again. You will begin having episodes at the hospital, episodes where you are living in New Zealand for hours at a time. You will have these episodes at night, so you will think they are dreams. They will offer to send you to a longer term facility which you will turn down because you think that everything is getting better. They will offer to put you in a experimental drug program, which you will turn down because it requires blood infusions.
You will be discharged from the hospital back into the day program. You will feel like you are getting better for a couple days. You will begin to experience the episodes during the day. You will begin the hallucinate. You will begin to have more and more episodes until one day they suddenly stop. You will feel like maybe now you can move on with life, maybe now you can learn to drive, maybe now you will be able to get a job or go to school, maybe now you might be able to find a place to live on your own.
You will then have another episode... You will live in New Zealand again. You will be there for years, you wont even be able to number them. You wont be able to remember what year it is when you come out of the episode. You won't be able to remember how you returned to the United States or even WHY. You will have forgotten even who your new friends are. You will feel like all the progress you have made as been undone. You will begin to think about how to kill yourself again. You will begin to plan it. You will then be stepped down from the full day program to half a day.
And that is where I am now. Feeling like I am back at the beginning. Feeling like I just stepped off the plane from New Zealand. Wishing that I was dead. Making plans on how to kill myself in the event that I choose to. I've given the medication long enough to take effect. I've given the counselors and therapists enough time to try and help me reach a stage where I feel like I am at the very least beginning to get better.
Again, I am very sorry Sarah. I let you down. I let myself down.
-SarahAnn
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