Let me first start out by saying that I am still having blackouts every day. I am still having hallucinations every day. Any progress I have made is superficial. What I mean by that is I am learning to cope and function better. I do not feel better today than I did on November 9th when I got off the plane. I feel worse. Emotionally I have reached a point where I can either break or fight. Anyone who knows me well knows that when something pushes me, I will push back. I will fight and I will stand my ground even if I think I will lose.

And I do think I will lose. I don't think this is a fight I can win. I am getting as much support as I can muster. I can laugh, I can giggle, I can smile, but on the inside I don't mean it. It's just me being polite, its just me trying not to show people how much I hurt inside. Some people have seen me cry. Only one person knows what I lost last Thursday. I told her cause I had to tell someone. No one has seen me at night when I am alone in my room. Alone... Just typing that word gives me flashbacks, flashbacks to events that never happened.

I've had these episodes described to me as so many things, disassociative disorder, anxiety attacks, hallucinations, day dreams, and even a coping mechanism for my mind. I think at first they probably were hallucinations caused by an anti-psychotic that I was taking as a sleep aid. I think now they are more. I think that my mind saw a benefit to them, it used them as an escape from reality. Now its a coping mechanism gone bad. These episodes have reached a stage where I don't even remember a lot of what has happened to me. Oh sure, I can tell you what happened, I've kept journals most of my life, and I have journaled extensively since I discovered Geno cheated on me. 

I can tell you what I wrote, I can tell you about how I felt based on those entries, but I feel like those events took place in another life, like they didn't happen to me. It's hard to describe in words but the best I can come up with is that Real Sarah went into an episode, and the episode Sarah has returned. I know those things happened to me, and I kind of remember them happening, but its like something that has happened 20-30 years ago, kind of fuzzy and you don't remember the details.

I've been asked "If you don't remember the details, how can you really say that you hate it here?" I am not basing my hatred of living in the Washington Area on the 6 years I spent in New Zealand. I am basing it on the years I spent in the last episode. I logged every event I had, its episode length, and its contents. I haven't even begun to log this Thursday's episode. I don't know where to begin. I don't mean that figuratively, I literally am having trouble differentiating real memories I have from the events that happened in the episode.